Sometimes I really don't understand what God is doing. Why is it that some of the best people can't catch a break? They continually get dumped on, one back-breaking, spirit-crunching blow after another? I don't understand it, and I'm angry. I've felt my faith slipping with each bit of news I received tonight. It is so hard to know that someone you love is suffering and there isn't much you can do about it--to know that their world is dissolving around them and you can't reach in to save them...you can't even really understand their pain. The sense of helplessness brings on anger. At least that's my reaction.
And then people try to comfort you with stock phrases, like "It's all in God's hands." Or "He never gives you more than you can handle." And my gut response is Well why the hell doesn't he do something already if he's so dang powerful?! Maybe I'm just a bad Christian. Heck, I know I am, at least right now. And yet, I just can't shake that inner Catholic conscience squeaking away at me.
When that final news hit tonight, I found myself sending a text out to a number of close friends. Friends who I knew would pray. Because even though I'm mad right now, and I don't understand--somewhere, deep down inside of my heart, I know that (or at least have to believe that) God is there somewhere, and he will watch out for my suffering family and friends. And even though I'm really struggling to believe in him and his plan, I have to find the strength to break the vise on my heart and let that never-ending love shine through on those who need it so badly right now. I've already felt the clamp loosening with the outpouring of love and support from those friends I messaged in desperation. Some of them surprised me a bit by ending up on my SOS list. People I haven't talked to in months...and yet I know they'll be there for me. And I know they'll offer up those prayers that keep getting stuck between my heart and my head. To me, that in and of itself is a sign that God is there, somewhere, listening and caring. At least I hope so.
***Anyone who is reading this, if you're a praying person, please offer up a couple of prayers. It doesn't matter if you know who you're praying for. I think that whoever you're praying to will know what to do with them. And whether you're religious or not, please take a moment and listen to my plea:
It's so easy to judge people. And it's so tempting to talk about those judgements, especially in a small town. But all of these people have stories that you don't know. And they have people who love them. So please, try to have an open heart and do what you can to love your neighbors, no matter how hard it may seem.
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