Love Thy Neighbor

Sometimes I really don't understand what God is doing. Why is it that some of the best people can't catch a break? They continually get dumped on, one back-breaking, spirit-crunching blow after another? I don't understand it, and I'm angry. I've felt my faith slipping with each bit of news I received tonight. It is so hard to know that someone you love is suffering and there isn't much you can do about it--to know that their world is dissolving around them and you can't reach in to save them...you can't even really understand their pain. The sense of helplessness brings on anger. At least that's my reaction.

And then people try to comfort you with stock phrases, like "It's all in God's hands." Or "He never gives you more than you can handle." And my gut response is Well why the hell doesn't he do something already if he's so dang powerful?! Maybe I'm just a bad Christian. Heck, I know I am, at least right now. And yet, I just can't shake that inner Catholic conscience squeaking away at me.

When that final news hit tonight, I found myself sending a text out to a number of close friends. Friends who I knew would pray. Because even though I'm mad right now, and I don't understand--somewhere, deep down inside of my heart, I know that (or at least have to believe that) God is there somewhere, and he will watch out for my suffering family and friends. And even though I'm really struggling to believe in him and his plan, I have to find the strength to break the vise on my heart and let that never-ending love shine through on those who need it so badly right now. I've already felt the clamp loosening with the outpouring of love and support from those friends I messaged in desperation. Some of them surprised me a bit by ending up on my SOS list. People I haven't talked to in months...and yet I know they'll be there for me. And I know they'll offer up those prayers that keep getting stuck between my heart and my head. To me, that in and of itself is a sign that God is there, somewhere, listening and caring. At least I hope so.

***Anyone who is reading this, if you're a praying person, please offer up a couple of prayers. It doesn't matter if you know who you're praying for. I think that whoever you're praying to will know what to do with them. And whether you're religious or not, please take a moment and listen to my plea:

It's so easy to judge people. And it's so tempting to talk about those judgements, especially in a small town. But all of these people have stories that you don't know. And they have people who love them. So please, try to have an open heart and do what you can to love your neighbors, no matter how hard it may seem.

Something Needs to Change.

When you see someone suffering, and know there's not a thing you can do to help them, it hurts.
When you see how hard someone works, and know they'll never make it to where you started, it hurts.
When you know you can get out and move on, but your fellows can't, it hurts.
When you know that what you have is luck, and nothing more, it hurts.

It's one thing when I see stories in the media about those affected by poverty, natural disaster, famine, and illness. There is this fantastic wall--a bubble wall that surrounds and protects me. Yes, I feel sorry for the people I read about or see on television. I hope that someone, somewhere helps them and they move on and prosper. But I can just flick off the TV or snap shut the newspaper, and their problems are gone, shut out by the wall of my own reality--a reality constructed within the confines of the blessings and luck I was born into, that I had nothing to do with. I don't have to dwell on the suffering.

And then I meet people in my own area. People I have daily interactions with. And I see their struggles; lower-class American poverty. Forty, fifty, sixty years old and just barely paying the bills each month. Or maybe not paying the bills each month. Very sick, but unable to afford the luxury of a doctor. I see that it's a cycle. These people are no less deserving than me. No worse or lesser in any way. Better in some. But they were unlucky. Their parents worked two, three jobs to pay the bills (or not). They do the same. College wasn't an option. No one cared enough to help them along. And their kids will follow suit. Innocent kids, no better or worse than me, just born into lesser circumstances.

And I see very little I can do. How do I, we, break the cycle? It's depressing to me. The people with power have more important things to worry about: making sure they get their raises and the companies who got them into office are able to push their agendas through. Where is the humanity? The compassion?

Are we really that selfish? It hurts to realize that yes, we are.

Yes, I am.

Moving Along

I am an undecided individual. And generally I'm okay with that. I'm not the kind of person who worries on a regular basis about what's coming or what I'm going to do next. I wasn't the high school junior who knew exactly where I wanted to go to school and what I wanted to study and what I wanted to do with said degree. I'm more of a stop and read the footnotes kind of person (smelling roses doesn't have much appeal to an anosmic like myself). I enjoyed high school (yes, gasp in disbelief and incredulity if you must) and when it came time to move on, I started looking at some schools, visited a few, and eventually, somehow narrowed it down to two choices. I'm still not exactly sure how I ended up at G-burg. But I did, and it ended up being the best four years of my life so far.

Eventually I decided English was the academic course I would take, mainly because I had a couple really good classes with a couple great professors. That and I love to read and write. I guess I knew in the back of my mind that it would be a difficult field in which to make an actual living. But I got lucky or fate was on my side or something, and I landed a job right out of college. That was not the best year of my life, but I learned some very important life lessons and gained some good experience.

So in the past I've been content to let life carry on and see where it takes me. Unfortunately, I haven't been so lucky in the last year. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should attempt to make a quantum leap and become a motivated, driven individual. Don't get me wrong, there have been good parts to the last year. I met some great people, opened a new, adult chapter in my relationship with my parents, and learned how to make yummy coffee. And I attained a new sense of gratefulness for the blessings in my life that allowed me to go to school and some day (fingers crossed) have a career that won't require me to work 50 hours a week at low-paying jobs just to pay the bills.

The problem seems to be that while I think being motivated and driven would be interesting, I can't seem to move any further in that direction. It remains a vague interest in what could be "if things were different." So how do I make things different? How do I organize the rambling, confused list of things I'd like to do into an organized list that can actually be handled and accomplished? Let's start with just getting at least part of that list out there. Here goes, in no particular order:

• Complete my lifetime reading list.
• Write a book.
• Blog more regularly.
• Buy a Wii.
• Have my own apartment.
• Have a house with a library.
• Develop a meaningful romantic relationship.
• Get a career-type job.
• Move out of Wellsboro.
• Go back to school.
• Travel abroad.
• Live abroad, for a period.
• Open a combination coffee shop/bookstore.
• Do humanitarian work that actually makes a positive influence on the world.

I just went through and listed the problems or obstacles with each of those goals, but when I read through them they made me sound extremely whiny and annoying. And since I do still have a shred of dignity and care for what the world thinks of me, I deleted the list. So let's go with a list of possible solutions, or ways to achieve said goals.

1. Buckle down, hit the job search with renewed energy and optimism and find a good job, regardless of whether or not it's a "dream job." Then I'll have some money (which was a recurring theme on my list of obstacles) to possibly achieve some of my other goals. From there I can work on following my bigger dreams.
2. Resign myself to a foreseeable future of debt and go back to school, hoping that it will end in an internship or other contact that could turn into a decent job opportunity.
3. Attempt to join the Peace Corps or some other humanitarian organization, thus putting off the whole "becoming a real adult" thing for a couple more years, and possibly just disappearing in whatever faraway place I am stationed and live out my life free of modern-world cares and worries.
4. Join a convent.
5. Find and marry a rich man who will fund everything on my list.

So these actually ended up being more or less in order of feasibility and practicality. Number 5 would be great, but I've yet to come across any guys that fit the bill. If any rich, pleasant, down-to-earth, charitable, genuinely nice guys read this however, do leave a message and we can talk. Oh, and I totally lied about the whole joining a convent thing. That definitely wouldn't work out for me. While going back to school or joining the Peace Corps definitely appeal to my inner idealist, I'm afraid I've inherited too much of my mother's practicality to actually follow through on either of those options.

Well, I'm really no further along than I was before I posted this. In fact, I'm reminded of a song from one of my favorite Broadway soundtracks, Avenue Q, "I Wish I Could Go Back to College." Particularly one line: "I need an academic advisor to point the way." (See the whole song here.)

I wish someone would tell me what to do.