Moving Along

I am an undecided individual. And generally I'm okay with that. I'm not the kind of person who worries on a regular basis about what's coming or what I'm going to do next. I wasn't the high school junior who knew exactly where I wanted to go to school and what I wanted to study and what I wanted to do with said degree. I'm more of a stop and read the footnotes kind of person (smelling roses doesn't have much appeal to an anosmic like myself). I enjoyed high school (yes, gasp in disbelief and incredulity if you must) and when it came time to move on, I started looking at some schools, visited a few, and eventually, somehow narrowed it down to two choices. I'm still not exactly sure how I ended up at G-burg. But I did, and it ended up being the best four years of my life so far.

Eventually I decided English was the academic course I would take, mainly because I had a couple really good classes with a couple great professors. That and I love to read and write. I guess I knew in the back of my mind that it would be a difficult field in which to make an actual living. But I got lucky or fate was on my side or something, and I landed a job right out of college. That was not the best year of my life, but I learned some very important life lessons and gained some good experience.

So in the past I've been content to let life carry on and see where it takes me. Unfortunately, I haven't been so lucky in the last year. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should attempt to make a quantum leap and become a motivated, driven individual. Don't get me wrong, there have been good parts to the last year. I met some great people, opened a new, adult chapter in my relationship with my parents, and learned how to make yummy coffee. And I attained a new sense of gratefulness for the blessings in my life that allowed me to go to school and some day (fingers crossed) have a career that won't require me to work 50 hours a week at low-paying jobs just to pay the bills.

The problem seems to be that while I think being motivated and driven would be interesting, I can't seem to move any further in that direction. It remains a vague interest in what could be "if things were different." So how do I make things different? How do I organize the rambling, confused list of things I'd like to do into an organized list that can actually be handled and accomplished? Let's start with just getting at least part of that list out there. Here goes, in no particular order:

• Complete my lifetime reading list.
• Write a book.
• Blog more regularly.
• Buy a Wii.
• Have my own apartment.
• Have a house with a library.
• Develop a meaningful romantic relationship.
• Get a career-type job.
• Move out of Wellsboro.
• Go back to school.
• Travel abroad.
• Live abroad, for a period.
• Open a combination coffee shop/bookstore.
• Do humanitarian work that actually makes a positive influence on the world.

I just went through and listed the problems or obstacles with each of those goals, but when I read through them they made me sound extremely whiny and annoying. And since I do still have a shred of dignity and care for what the world thinks of me, I deleted the list. So let's go with a list of possible solutions, or ways to achieve said goals.

1. Buckle down, hit the job search with renewed energy and optimism and find a good job, regardless of whether or not it's a "dream job." Then I'll have some money (which was a recurring theme on my list of obstacles) to possibly achieve some of my other goals. From there I can work on following my bigger dreams.
2. Resign myself to a foreseeable future of debt and go back to school, hoping that it will end in an internship or other contact that could turn into a decent job opportunity.
3. Attempt to join the Peace Corps or some other humanitarian organization, thus putting off the whole "becoming a real adult" thing for a couple more years, and possibly just disappearing in whatever faraway place I am stationed and live out my life free of modern-world cares and worries.
4. Join a convent.
5. Find and marry a rich man who will fund everything on my list.

So these actually ended up being more or less in order of feasibility and practicality. Number 5 would be great, but I've yet to come across any guys that fit the bill. If any rich, pleasant, down-to-earth, charitable, genuinely nice guys read this however, do leave a message and we can talk. Oh, and I totally lied about the whole joining a convent thing. That definitely wouldn't work out for me. While going back to school or joining the Peace Corps definitely appeal to my inner idealist, I'm afraid I've inherited too much of my mother's practicality to actually follow through on either of those options.

Well, I'm really no further along than I was before I posted this. In fact, I'm reminded of a song from one of my favorite Broadway soundtracks, Avenue Q, "I Wish I Could Go Back to College." Particularly one line: "I need an academic advisor to point the way." (See the whole song here.)

I wish someone would tell me what to do.