"One is Silver and the Other's Gold"

Today I ate lunch in my car. This is actually a somewhat common occurrence. I could eat in my office. I could even go downstairs and talk to Zach or Kay or Amanda while I eat. And sometimes I do. But often, I find myself sitting alone in my car. Is it because I am antisocial and try to avoid potentially awkward social situations? Possibly. But I think the main reason is as simple as a need to get out of there for forty-five minutes or however long it takes me to eat. After sitting alone in front of a computer for four hours, I just need out--a change of scenery, a different seat, whatever. And it's a pretty town I live in. Why not enjoy the fresh air and sunlight? It is now too cold to eat on a park bench, Wellsboro does not offer any place to take my food into, and I am too poor to eat out regularly, so my car becomes the next best bet. I park in front of the library or off of the Green, in front of the old school administration building. Sometimes I people watch, but more often I just let my mind wander.

I found myself pondering the topic of friendship today. I have a number of very close friends, and for that I consider myself lucky. I got to thinking however, that there are at least two of those friends who are really just, something extra special. The thing about these friends is that I rarely see them. And yet when we get together again, it's just POW! Things are totally back to normal. It's like we've never been apart a day in our lives. It's really pretty incredible.

Friend One I have known since I was three years old. We grew up together, until I moved out of the state in fifth grade. We haven't lived near each other since then. I often go months or even years without seeing her. We don't keep in constant touch with each other, either. Recently it's been better, because she moved back to the East Coast from Iowa, so it's much easier to see her, even though there are still a good four and a half hours separating us. (She lives forty minutes away from my older brother.)

Friend Two I've only know since eighth grade (nine years). We hit it off shortly after I moved here from Indiana. We were best friends throughout eighth grade and high school. Sometime during our junior year we drifted a little, basically because we were involved in different things. She did cross country and track, I did band and soccer. I spent more time with friends in those activities and vice versa. We were still close, however. She went to college in western Ohio, so I rarely saw her during the last four years of our lives. Occasionally on holidays and over the summer, but not much else. But every time we get together, it's like nothing has changed. We're still close after all these years.

It's very possible that I have this sort of friendship with other people as well, but we've been lucky enough to have not been separated for long periods of time. These two friendships just really stand out. They're the type of people who I can easily see visiting in twenty or thirty years and still having the same closeness, regardless of whether or not we've been geographically close or in constant contact. 

What is it about these two friendships that allows for that kind of relationship? The only other relationships I can think of that are similar are those with my two brothers. But they have the family bond and constant togetherness of fourteen to eighteen years of childhood to back them up. I worry every time I'm going to see these people again that things will have changed, and we won't get along like we used to. But it never happens. Every time I am floored by the way we pick right back up again. It doesn't matter that instead of playing Barbies we're talking about engagements. Something about our friendship runs deeper than that. I only wish I could understand what exactly it is. Any suggestions?

Aligning the Fish - The Art of Focus

I was reading an article today that suggested a certain yoga pose, the tree, I believe it was, for women. This is supposed to teach focus, the ability to concentrate on one thing at a time--to clear the mind of miscellaneous thoughts. It struck home with me, given my usual mile-a-minute brain activity. I can hardly write a sentence without pausing multiple times as other thoughts criss-cross what I'm trying to say. I'm not even sure if these sentences I'm writing progress logically. In my brain they do, but there's no way I can type as fast as I think. So what I write is merely a summary of the main points that go through my brain on any given topic.

If I was able to focus my brain on one thing at a time, I can only imagine the things I would accomplish. I could write those short stories and novels floating around inside. I could say my prayers at night without getting completely sidetracked and apologizing to God multiple times for forgetting that I was still praying. I could listen to what other are saying and actually comprehend it, rather than having to ask them to repeat themselves. I could fall asleep at night without lying awake for forty-five minutes first.

I have never seriously tried yoga. (1) I'm completely not flexible. The sit-and-reach Presidential challenge in gym class killed me every year. (2) I've just never had the time and/or opportunity. There are, however, a few things I've found that focus my brain, if only for short periods.

I've found that rote repetition works for me. The thing is, I have to really focus on what I'm saying, or I'm completely capable of (and likely to) continue with the repetition but have separate mental conversations and thoughts simultaneously. Saying the rosary is one example of this. It works well (and tends to allow me to fall asleep), as long as I focus. Otherwise the beads will continue to pass under my fingers, and suddenly I'll realize that I'm two decades down the string with no clue how I got there.

Reading also focuses my thoughts on one thing. Again, I have to focus, and it has to be interesting to me, or I'll continue reading, reach the bottom of the page, and realize I have no idea what I just read. Reading also helps put me to sleep. (Particularly reading for school.) The disadvantage to reading is that in some ways it is completely escapist. Not that I have a problem with a little escapism now and then. I quite enjoy it. But when I want to focus on a certain thought, idea, problem, etc., reading just doesn't do the job.

And then we have writing. Ah yes, the sweet balm of life. Okay, not really. Writing doesn't actually work for me all the time. I have to be in the mood. I have to care about what I'm writing. I can't be under pressure to write. It takes me a while to get into the writing "groove," we'll call it. At first my thoughts swim around like a thousand little fish in my mind's eye, and there's no controlling them. Eventually, though, they start to align themselves into schools, and I can follow one, more or less, and see it through to the end. It's still difficult for me to focus in on individual fishes, but at least it's a start. Once my line of thought is interrupted, however, that's it. It's very difficult to find my place again. The slightest ripple upsets the status quo, and the fish go scattering again.

I can think of only a handful of times when I have been able to keep my mind in the groove for an extended period of time. That is what I strive for, though. And it's part of the reason I've started this blog. The best way to improve something, whether it be a physical action or mental faculty, is to exercise it. And so, here I am writing. I've managed to stay on track for about fifteen minutes now. I can feel it starting to slip away. (And I'm out of things to say.)

May your fish align in all you strive to do.

Welcome!

I have created this blog because I love to write. I have so many thoughts and ideas floating (or perhaps rushing is the more apt word) through my head that I need an outlet. Writing is the only sufficient release I have found. I have blogged in the past, but only privately - more as a means of staying in touch with close friends. I realized tonight, however, that private blogging isn't cutting it anymore. So I'm taking a big step and opening the inner workings of my mind to you. I promise it's not too scary of a place. Overwhelming, at worst. But, assuming I force myself to keep up with emptying it out every once in a while for all of you to mull over, it should be a calmer place for all of us. So if I stop posting regularly, yell at me. Nag me on Facebook, by e-mail, in person. No matter how much I love to write, I sometimes need a little push and shove to get me going. Of course, all of this hinges on having someone who actually is interested in reading it. Maybe I should take baby steps. One at a time. That's probably the best way to start, right?