I went for a walk in the woods today. It wasn't a long walk, but it was nice. Sometimes I get too caught up in my mind. It's a dangerous place to be, I tell you. Today was one of those days, unfortunately. Election day was getting me thinking about the innate greed and self-centeredness that corrupts the political world. The ignorance and basic racism I find even here in Wellsboro (perhaps especially here, in Wellsboro?) was getting to me. The fact that the average, good-hearted American doesn't have the ability to get people to listen to reason and the truth, unscarred by political agendas was eating at me. And then there are personal issues that don't really need to be discussed. My brain was being tugged at in all directions, and there didn't seem to be a single answer in sight. No solutions, very little hope.
When I get like this, little things set me off. So naturally, I got unnecessarily upset that we weren't having pizza for dinner like I had thought. And when Dad wanted me to help research recipes for this non-pizza dinner, well, I was about in tears. Don't get me wrong: I know it's stupid. I knew then that it was stupid. And of course it had nothing to do with pizza. But the tears were threatening, and at that point there's no turning back. So I took a walk in the woods.
I wanted to feel my nose run in the cold, the numb, leathery sensation of the wind on my face. The slight burning in my legs as I climb the hill, and the jelly-leg weakness as the leaf-strewn ground evens out. I wanted to see my no-longer-a-puppy dog frolic through the leaves and in the creek like he hadn't a care in the world (he probably doesn't).
And so I walked. I passed the old treehouse my brothers and I built ten years ago, with it's plywood floors now green with mossy age. I came upon the creek we used to have leaf-boat races on, and listened to it's tired gurgle for a while. I was cold.
It wasn't any sort of novel-worthy spiritual experience. I spent most of the time watching the ground and trying not to fall over. Making sure the dog didn't get too excited and run out of my sight. And did I mention it was cold?
But when I came back up once again, I felt glad that I had taken the walk. I didn't have any illusions about being at peace with the world, but I was grateful for the physical sensation of the walk itself. It was something other than thinking. I started at the top of the hill, and when I was finished, I may have ended up in the same place, but I had been somewhere; I had seen something new along the way. My runny nose and jelly legs gave testament to that. So maybe the circuitous journey was worth it in the end, even if I can't put my finger on why or how it helped. And that is strangely comforting, in a way.
02 November 2010
28 October 2010
Sister from Another Mister
I was thinking earlier that I knew what I wanted to write about tonight. I wanted to share my thoughts on music, and how certain songs or artists are forever connected in my mind to certain people and times in my life. And I still do want to write about that.
But then, I read my sister(not-in-law-but-close-enough)'s latest blog post. It stirred my heart and got me thinking about the really important things in my life, and in society as a whole. It got me thinking in so many different directions that I can hardly formulate my own post. I don't know where to start. Let's say it's a matter of heart, politics, religion, and so much more. But let's start with the heart, because that, to me is purest and most important.
My "sister," we'll call her K, is one of the sweetest people I know. I met her for the first time a little over a year ago, when she accompanied my older brother to my twin brother and sister-in-law's wedding reception. I could tell she was nervous (can't blame her, either), but my first impression was that she was very sweet and eager to get to know us and befriend us. And since then, we have become very close, sisters at heart, if not legally. Looking back, it was really impossible not to become fast friends. We are similar in many ways, and she, being more outgoing than me, reached out to me constantly, sending funny messages and sharing little girly, sisterly secrets with me. (Don't worry David, nothing about you, of course! :p) I don't see how anyone could dislike this sweet, loving young woman.
But one thing about her tends to stick out to people. Something that's not her fault and shouldn't really matter, but does anyway, in this country and at this time. She's not white. And she speaks with an accent. A latino accent. K was born in Peru, and has only lived in the States and spoken English for three years. Personally, I am constantly amazed how well she speaks English--it's fifty times better than my Spanish. And I think she is absolutely gorgeous. I frequently tell her she looks like a supermodel. But for some reason, in this country, having dark skin and imperfect English immediately demotes one to a second-class citizen, or even worse, an illegal alien. (And yes, she and her family are here legally.) She was looked down upon, assumed ignorant and unworthy. It didn't matter that she had completed college in Peru. Strangers told her to her face to "go home", that she didn't have a place here. She was unwanted.
These things took a toll on K, but thankfully she is a strong person, and decided it wasn't worth listening to the ignorant people degrading her. She decided to get an American degree, so she worked two full-time jobs to earn enough money for tuition. She succeeded, and now works in a management position, impressing her superiors with her work-ethic and drive to succeed.
And she is still the sweetest, most loving person. We talk multiple times a week, even if it's just a text or silly e-mail forward. She's going to teach me how to flirt, because she says I'm too shy. She makes me smile on rough days, and I hope I do the same for her. I, for one, am infinitely glad she came here to the U.S. and had the guts to stick it out, ignore the jerks, and maintain her beautiful smile and silly sense of humor.
But learning more in depth what she went through when she first came here (and what she still goes through, to some extent), hurts me to the core. Because she came here for opportunity and a better life--the American Dream. And she was met with self-righteous, self-centered jerks. What kind of a society are we, that this happens? We all know she's not the only one. And she's lucky in that she's in a relatively tolerable part of the States. I imagine the Americans of Mexican or Central or South American descent living in Arizona and other border states are harassed ten times the amount she is.
This is racism, pure and simple. It's been fifty years since the Civil Rights Movement. Things have improved, but there is still such a long way to go. And the people affected by racism are growing to include latinos and, more recently, those of Middle Eastern descent. I saw a skit on The Colbert Report the other night, in which a black correspondent and a Muslim correspondent discussed the gradual changeover from whites fearing blacks to whites fearing Muslims. They compared notes on their favorite ways to scare whites. Of course, in true Colbert fashion, they were hyperbolic and sarcastic, but the trend is so very real. And in the long run, it's America as a whole that's losing out. Just think of all the smart, talented, incredible people we miss out on because we fear their differences. What if we had sent Einstein back to Germany in the 40s? Where would the world be now? It seems to me, that those making arguments about abortion potentially destroying the next Einstein or Mozart should consider sending Muslim, African, or latino people back to certain death and destruction just as deplorable. But that's just my opinion, and I'm sure many people have comebacks ready and waiting for me.
After all, they had the audacity to be born something other than American. So they don't deserve the same rights as us, right?
But then, I read my sister(not-in-law-but-close-enough)'s latest blog post. It stirred my heart and got me thinking about the really important things in my life, and in society as a whole. It got me thinking in so many different directions that I can hardly formulate my own post. I don't know where to start. Let's say it's a matter of heart, politics, religion, and so much more. But let's start with the heart, because that, to me is purest and most important.
My "sister," we'll call her K, is one of the sweetest people I know. I met her for the first time a little over a year ago, when she accompanied my older brother to my twin brother and sister-in-law's wedding reception. I could tell she was nervous (can't blame her, either), but my first impression was that she was very sweet and eager to get to know us and befriend us. And since then, we have become very close, sisters at heart, if not legally. Looking back, it was really impossible not to become fast friends. We are similar in many ways, and she, being more outgoing than me, reached out to me constantly, sending funny messages and sharing little girly, sisterly secrets with me. (Don't worry David, nothing about you, of course! :p) I don't see how anyone could dislike this sweet, loving young woman.
But one thing about her tends to stick out to people. Something that's not her fault and shouldn't really matter, but does anyway, in this country and at this time. She's not white. And she speaks with an accent. A latino accent. K was born in Peru, and has only lived in the States and spoken English for three years. Personally, I am constantly amazed how well she speaks English--it's fifty times better than my Spanish. And I think she is absolutely gorgeous. I frequently tell her she looks like a supermodel. But for some reason, in this country, having dark skin and imperfect English immediately demotes one to a second-class citizen, or even worse, an illegal alien. (And yes, she and her family are here legally.) She was looked down upon, assumed ignorant and unworthy. It didn't matter that she had completed college in Peru. Strangers told her to her face to "go home", that she didn't have a place here. She was unwanted.
These things took a toll on K, but thankfully she is a strong person, and decided it wasn't worth listening to the ignorant people degrading her. She decided to get an American degree, so she worked two full-time jobs to earn enough money for tuition. She succeeded, and now works in a management position, impressing her superiors with her work-ethic and drive to succeed.
And she is still the sweetest, most loving person. We talk multiple times a week, even if it's just a text or silly e-mail forward. She's going to teach me how to flirt, because she says I'm too shy. She makes me smile on rough days, and I hope I do the same for her. I, for one, am infinitely glad she came here to the U.S. and had the guts to stick it out, ignore the jerks, and maintain her beautiful smile and silly sense of humor.
But learning more in depth what she went through when she first came here (and what she still goes through, to some extent), hurts me to the core. Because she came here for opportunity and a better life--the American Dream. And she was met with self-righteous, self-centered jerks. What kind of a society are we, that this happens? We all know she's not the only one. And she's lucky in that she's in a relatively tolerable part of the States. I imagine the Americans of Mexican or Central or South American descent living in Arizona and other border states are harassed ten times the amount she is.
This is racism, pure and simple. It's been fifty years since the Civil Rights Movement. Things have improved, but there is still such a long way to go. And the people affected by racism are growing to include latinos and, more recently, those of Middle Eastern descent. I saw a skit on The Colbert Report the other night, in which a black correspondent and a Muslim correspondent discussed the gradual changeover from whites fearing blacks to whites fearing Muslims. They compared notes on their favorite ways to scare whites. Of course, in true Colbert fashion, they were hyperbolic and sarcastic, but the trend is so very real. And in the long run, it's America as a whole that's losing out. Just think of all the smart, talented, incredible people we miss out on because we fear their differences. What if we had sent Einstein back to Germany in the 40s? Where would the world be now? It seems to me, that those making arguments about abortion potentially destroying the next Einstein or Mozart should consider sending Muslim, African, or latino people back to certain death and destruction just as deplorable. But that's just my opinion, and I'm sure many people have comebacks ready and waiting for me.
After all, they had the audacity to be born something other than American. So they don't deserve the same rights as us, right?
24 October 2010
Discouraging Words
I'm beginning to wonder if college ruined (or at least maimed) my capacity for enjoying literature. I have heard music majors say school destroyed their ability to just enjoy music, because now all they can do is analyze and critique, judge as they listen. Music became mechanical and fundamental, no longer really about art and indulgence. I don't think this is quite the case with me, but I do wonder sometimes. Am I being too judgmental, too critical? Am I allowing my own preferences and opinions to masquerade as some artificial and unsubstantiated apex of literary perfection? In other words, am I becoming an insufferable literary snob?
I do my best to "not judge a book by its cover." And I mean that literally, as well as in the time-old, tired metaphoric sense. When I was young I came to realize that the best books weren't always the ones with the most colorful, appealing covers. Some of my favorites turned out to be the cloth-bound volumes tucked away in the back of the library's reading room. (A particularly large, red, cloth-bound copy of The Secret Garden comes to mind, especially, with its simple gold script.) And throughout my reading career, I have always been driven to finish every book I've started, no matter how bad it seems at first, or how long it takes to get through. (The one notable exception to this being Charles Dickens. I've tried to enjoy him, but every single book of his that I've started, I have been unable to finish, including but not limited to Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, Bleak House, A Tale of Two Cities, and Nicholas Nickleby.) Even if someone "ruins" the ending for me by telling me what happens in the end, I can't help but finish it for myself, partly because I think I've always known that a book is not just about finding out what happens. The truly exciting part is discovering the characters and worlds created by the author.
Lately, however, it seems this no longer applies to the books I read. The only thing that keeps me reading is to see how it ends. The last three books I read have been disappointingly...well, disappointing. The characters were dull and unchanging, the setting was tired and boring (and in some cases blatantly copied from earlier, better books), and the writing itself was downright painful at times. Let me tell you, reading just to see what happens is tiring and not very enjoyable, especially when the tiny spark of hope that it will get better flickers harder with each dry sentence and predictable plot device.
I guess I'm thinking about this more than usual, mainly because I've been thinking I should start a second blog, solely dedicated to reviews of the books I read. Not because I think everyone should listen to my opinions and take them as their own, but because my brain is desperately begging to be challenged and do some critical thinking. I've actually already created this blog; I've just yet to post anything. I'd like to start with a good review, but at the rate I'm going, it seems that everything I post will be negative and critical. That doesn't sound fun to me. That's just not the kind of blogger I want to be. It makes me feel like a snobbish, "better than thou," jerk.
But at the same time, I guess blogging is sort of intrinsically self-centered and egotistical. So maybe I should just push forward and spread my opinions to the far ends of the worlds. After all, in the words of the ever-wise Dr. Seuss, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."
I do my best to "not judge a book by its cover." And I mean that literally, as well as in the time-old, tired metaphoric sense. When I was young I came to realize that the best books weren't always the ones with the most colorful, appealing covers. Some of my favorites turned out to be the cloth-bound volumes tucked away in the back of the library's reading room. (A particularly large, red, cloth-bound copy of The Secret Garden comes to mind, especially, with its simple gold script.) And throughout my reading career, I have always been driven to finish every book I've started, no matter how bad it seems at first, or how long it takes to get through. (The one notable exception to this being Charles Dickens. I've tried to enjoy him, but every single book of his that I've started, I have been unable to finish, including but not limited to Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, Bleak House, A Tale of Two Cities, and Nicholas Nickleby.) Even if someone "ruins" the ending for me by telling me what happens in the end, I can't help but finish it for myself, partly because I think I've always known that a book is not just about finding out what happens. The truly exciting part is discovering the characters and worlds created by the author.
Lately, however, it seems this no longer applies to the books I read. The only thing that keeps me reading is to see how it ends. The last three books I read have been disappointingly...well, disappointing. The characters were dull and unchanging, the setting was tired and boring (and in some cases blatantly copied from earlier, better books), and the writing itself was downright painful at times. Let me tell you, reading just to see what happens is tiring and not very enjoyable, especially when the tiny spark of hope that it will get better flickers harder with each dry sentence and predictable plot device.
I guess I'm thinking about this more than usual, mainly because I've been thinking I should start a second blog, solely dedicated to reviews of the books I read. Not because I think everyone should listen to my opinions and take them as their own, but because my brain is desperately begging to be challenged and do some critical thinking. I've actually already created this blog; I've just yet to post anything. I'd like to start with a good review, but at the rate I'm going, it seems that everything I post will be negative and critical. That doesn't sound fun to me. That's just not the kind of blogger I want to be. It makes me feel like a snobbish, "better than thou," jerk.
But at the same time, I guess blogging is sort of intrinsically self-centered and egotistical. So maybe I should just push forward and spread my opinions to the far ends of the worlds. After all, in the words of the ever-wise Dr. Seuss, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."
17 October 2010
A Colorblind Society, Revisited
I have received a number of comments about my post "A Colorblind Society" from 10 August 2010. People disagreeing with me, saying it's important to keep a sense various ethnicities and backgrounds. And they're right. I'm not sure if it's a matter of me not saying what I meant to say in the first post, or if I just hadn't thought of it that way before, but I agree with you all. "Colorblind" maybe isn't the word I should have used. I wasn't trying to say that everyone should be the same, or assume that everyone is the same as them. What a boring world that would lead to. We should be aware of the differences in who we are and where we come from. It is what makes the world the rich tapestry of human lives it should be. To use a terribly elementary and cliche metaphor, we should aim to be a salad bowl, rather than a melting pot; a place where different ingredients come together to create a well-complemented whole, rather than melting into one big glob of unidentified mush. It's okay if the carrots stain the radishes a little orange, or the dressing soaks into the croutons a bit along the way. But if it becomes one big, wilted, soggy mess, and no one knows who they are or what they started out as, well, that doesn't create a very satisfactory meal, now does it?
I don't want my godson to think that black people or asians should be exactly like him, at least not in the way they act or talk or any sort of physical or outward manifestation of who they are. I just want him to know that inside, they are the same as him, in that they dream and love and think and feel. And if that Mexican immigrant's English isn't perfect, or that Brit's teeth are a little crooked, it doesn't mean they're any less of a person. I want him to be able to see things from outside his own point of view, so he can understand that his way isn't the only right way, and just because someone does something differently, it doesn't mean they're a worse or less sophisticated person.
I guess I just want him to transcend the ignorance that causes so many misunderstandings and so much unnecessary pain in this world: the ignorance that all of us fall prey to on occasion, myself included. Sometimes it just seems like we have so far to go. Will we ever make it? But at the same time, I have to believe we will. It gives me hope and the will to live, trying to make the world a little bit better every day. (I just realized what a Jewish concept that is...making heaven (perfection) on earth. Interesting.) I like to think there's a heaven, but the truth is I have no idea what awaits me after death. So for now, it seems to me that the best use of my time is trying to make things better here in this world. And if there is something after this, then I hope whoever is in charge up there will approve of my humble attempts at improvement, both of the self and the world.
I don't want my godson to think that black people or asians should be exactly like him, at least not in the way they act or talk or any sort of physical or outward manifestation of who they are. I just want him to know that inside, they are the same as him, in that they dream and love and think and feel. And if that Mexican immigrant's English isn't perfect, or that Brit's teeth are a little crooked, it doesn't mean they're any less of a person. I want him to be able to see things from outside his own point of view, so he can understand that his way isn't the only right way, and just because someone does something differently, it doesn't mean they're a worse or less sophisticated person.
I guess I just want him to transcend the ignorance that causes so many misunderstandings and so much unnecessary pain in this world: the ignorance that all of us fall prey to on occasion, myself included. Sometimes it just seems like we have so far to go. Will we ever make it? But at the same time, I have to believe we will. It gives me hope and the will to live, trying to make the world a little bit better every day. (I just realized what a Jewish concept that is...making heaven (perfection) on earth. Interesting.) I like to think there's a heaven, but the truth is I have no idea what awaits me after death. So for now, it seems to me that the best use of my time is trying to make things better here in this world. And if there is something after this, then I hope whoever is in charge up there will approve of my humble attempts at improvement, both of the self and the world.
01 October 2010
Remembrances of Christmas Past
Christmas with the Reindls
Packing into the family van for a two hour drive to Dayton from Lancaster. Pulling into the steep blacktopped driveway, past the huge tree surrounded by the flower box we liked to use as a balance beam, looking to see if Aunt Susie's van was there yet; it usually wasn't. Pouring out of the car, climbing over the slower sibling by the door, following Dad into the covered back porch, knocking at the door and walking into the kitchen, greeted by a blast of warmth. Grandpa greeting us with hugs: "There's my little Tweety Bird!" (So my voice was a bit high and squeaky as a small child...) Feeling the warmth from the brown double decker oven right next to the door, hugging Great Aunt Rose because I was supposed to, but resenting her a little for taking Grandma's place; knowing that something wasn't right there, but never being told what (until she died last Christmas).
All sitting in the living room, with the marble side tables, Rose's very floral couch with fringey pillows-braiding the fringes-Grandpa's gray recliner with the towel over the head rest, Rose's brown recliner, the Christmas tree in the corner by the rarely-used front door and the grandfather clock, the brass goose on the gray polished stone hearth, the built-in bookcases with Grandpa's carved wooden birds, many of his carved Santas all around the wooden mini grandfather clock he made with the fancy face.
Getting bundled up in snow clothes, Dad and Grandpa wearing old suits; one bright orange, one gray. Getting the sleds from Grandpa's back shed. Wondering at the old-fashioned wooden slat sled with red runners and the metal disc sled. Sledding on the front hill, seeing Mom and Aunt Rose watching from the front bay window. Sitting on the sled with Dad or Grandpa, or one of them pulling Michael and I on the sled. David hogging the good sleds. Grandpa bringing out his tractor mower and attaching the cart to the back and taking us for a ride around the yard. Finally tramping into the warm kitchen again and getting dried off and warmed up.
Kneeling backwards on the couch, looking out the bay window waiting for Aunt Susie's blue minivan to drive down the street, finally seeing it and jumping up and running to the back door, opening it and waiting impatiently for Susie and the boys to get out of the car and come in. Willy and Thomas running up, Susie carrying baby Charlie, Uncle Joe following them all up. Suddenly becoming shy and hiding behind Mom a little bit, coming out to hug Aunt Susie and the boys, hugging Uncle Joe but being a little wary of him because he likes to tease a lot. Listening to Thomas's never-ending and semi-pointless stories, playing fireman with Willy, trying to teach Charlie to walk; being unsuccessful.
Watching Mom and Susie pull the dining table out from the wall and opening the wings to make it big enough for everyone. Helping set the table with the good silverware from the china cabinet, waiting for all the food to be brought in, finally sitting down to dinner with all twelve of us. Saying grace, and remembering that Dad used to have to fold his hands together flat and point the tips of his fingers to the sky because if he pointed them down the prayer would go to hell and if he interlocked the fingers it wouldn't go anywhere. Wondering why Aunt Cindy and John never came anymore; not realizing what MS was. Watching Grandpa's hands shake as he lifted up his glass of water and imitating him out of curiosity as to how he didn't spill; not realizing what Parkinson's Disease was. Eating the roast, potatoes, carrots, rolls, gravy. Listening to Grandpa rant about politics and hearing his say "Damn" and giggling to myself. Feeling too full.
Playing with the cousins some more, waiting impatiently for it to be time to open presents, Grandpa watching us with a twinkle in his eye I didn't notice until years later. Finally bothering the parents enough that they agreed it was time to open presents. Digging under the Christmas tree and reading the names on the tags and handing them out with only a few mix-ups. Begging Grandpa and Dad for the olives in their martinis and sometimes being successful. Ripping the paper off the presents and years later having no clue what I got, but remembering the warmth and happiness pervading it all.
Going down to the basement and singing Christmas carols while Aunt Susie played the old upright piano. Thinking I'll never be as good as she is. Following the grown-ups back upstairs into the living room. Sitting on the couch next to Dad or Grandpa and falling asleep on him while listening to the adults talk about distant family and politics and old family stories. Feeling happy and warm. Finally being put to bed in the back room on the couch, with the furry blanket Grandma used to get out especially for me. Looking up at the stained glass in the little window above the couch. Being a little bit afraid of sleeping in the room alone, but hearing the adults talking in the living room and hearing the grandfather clock chiming every quarter of an hour and finally falling asleep, feeling safe and warm and happy, never expecting anything to change.
Packing into the family van for a two hour drive to Dayton from Lancaster. Pulling into the steep blacktopped driveway, past the huge tree surrounded by the flower box we liked to use as a balance beam, looking to see if Aunt Susie's van was there yet; it usually wasn't. Pouring out of the car, climbing over the slower sibling by the door, following Dad into the covered back porch, knocking at the door and walking into the kitchen, greeted by a blast of warmth. Grandpa greeting us with hugs: "There's my little Tweety Bird!" (So my voice was a bit high and squeaky as a small child...) Feeling the warmth from the brown double decker oven right next to the door, hugging Great Aunt Rose because I was supposed to, but resenting her a little for taking Grandma's place; knowing that something wasn't right there, but never being told what (until she died last Christmas).
All sitting in the living room, with the marble side tables, Rose's very floral couch with fringey pillows-braiding the fringes-Grandpa's gray recliner with the towel over the head rest, Rose's brown recliner, the Christmas tree in the corner by the rarely-used front door and the grandfather clock, the brass goose on the gray polished stone hearth, the built-in bookcases with Grandpa's carved wooden birds, many of his carved Santas all around the wooden mini grandfather clock he made with the fancy face.
Getting bundled up in snow clothes, Dad and Grandpa wearing old suits; one bright orange, one gray. Getting the sleds from Grandpa's back shed. Wondering at the old-fashioned wooden slat sled with red runners and the metal disc sled. Sledding on the front hill, seeing Mom and Aunt Rose watching from the front bay window. Sitting on the sled with Dad or Grandpa, or one of them pulling Michael and I on the sled. David hogging the good sleds. Grandpa bringing out his tractor mower and attaching the cart to the back and taking us for a ride around the yard. Finally tramping into the warm kitchen again and getting dried off and warmed up.
Kneeling backwards on the couch, looking out the bay window waiting for Aunt Susie's blue minivan to drive down the street, finally seeing it and jumping up and running to the back door, opening it and waiting impatiently for Susie and the boys to get out of the car and come in. Willy and Thomas running up, Susie carrying baby Charlie, Uncle Joe following them all up. Suddenly becoming shy and hiding behind Mom a little bit, coming out to hug Aunt Susie and the boys, hugging Uncle Joe but being a little wary of him because he likes to tease a lot. Listening to Thomas's never-ending and semi-pointless stories, playing fireman with Willy, trying to teach Charlie to walk; being unsuccessful.
Watching Mom and Susie pull the dining table out from the wall and opening the wings to make it big enough for everyone. Helping set the table with the good silverware from the china cabinet, waiting for all the food to be brought in, finally sitting down to dinner with all twelve of us. Saying grace, and remembering that Dad used to have to fold his hands together flat and point the tips of his fingers to the sky because if he pointed them down the prayer would go to hell and if he interlocked the fingers it wouldn't go anywhere. Wondering why Aunt Cindy and John never came anymore; not realizing what MS was. Watching Grandpa's hands shake as he lifted up his glass of water and imitating him out of curiosity as to how he didn't spill; not realizing what Parkinson's Disease was. Eating the roast, potatoes, carrots, rolls, gravy. Listening to Grandpa rant about politics and hearing his say "Damn" and giggling to myself. Feeling too full.
Playing with the cousins some more, waiting impatiently for it to be time to open presents, Grandpa watching us with a twinkle in his eye I didn't notice until years later. Finally bothering the parents enough that they agreed it was time to open presents. Digging under the Christmas tree and reading the names on the tags and handing them out with only a few mix-ups. Begging Grandpa and Dad for the olives in their martinis and sometimes being successful. Ripping the paper off the presents and years later having no clue what I got, but remembering the warmth and happiness pervading it all.
Going down to the basement and singing Christmas carols while Aunt Susie played the old upright piano. Thinking I'll never be as good as she is. Following the grown-ups back upstairs into the living room. Sitting on the couch next to Dad or Grandpa and falling asleep on him while listening to the adults talk about distant family and politics and old family stories. Feeling happy and warm. Finally being put to bed in the back room on the couch, with the furry blanket Grandma used to get out especially for me. Looking up at the stained glass in the little window above the couch. Being a little bit afraid of sleeping in the room alone, but hearing the adults talking in the living room and hearing the grandfather clock chiming every quarter of an hour and finally falling asleep, feeling safe and warm and happy, never expecting anything to change.
10 August 2010
A Colorblind Society
I was swimming today at a lake in a state park near me with my godson and goddaughter and their aunt, one of my best friends. There were two busloads of kids from a YMCA swimming as well. I'm not sure where they were from, but probably a bigger city somewhere near here. The kids were being quite rowdy, and my six-year-old godson--we'll call him Ned--had a few pails of water dumped on him and a couple narrow misses with various limbs coming close to his head. So my friend called him and the other kids with us over to where we were and told them they had to stay near us until the rowdy kids left. And Ned, with the innocence of a small-town six-year-old, asked, "You mean until the brown kids leave?"
A majority of the kids from the YMCA were African American, which in our small town is uncommon, so I guess he knew they were different somehow. His question wasn't malicious or angry. He had probably heard himself referred to as "white," so in his head it made sense to call them brown. Of course we told him that wasn't what we called them; they're just kids like you. But, while his innocence was sort of amusing at first, the more I watched him and thought about it, the more it saddened me. Ned is a smart kid, and I could see him processing this new information in his head, where it would surely leave an indelible mark: "Dark-skinned people are different from me. They're rowdy and I shouldn't play with them."
Now I'm not saying that I think he'll turn into a malicious racist or anything like that; his family will raise him better than that. But it does make me wonder if we'll ever live in a color-blind world. It seems like a pretty far reach to hope so. Sure, it's gotten better since the fifties and sixties, but there are still cultural and ethnic differences that are apparent even to a six-year-old. I don't know if it's better or worse in bigger cities where there may or may not be more integration. But in small towns, it seems pretty universal: there is a stigma attached to being different from everyone else. In my high school class there was one African American. And he was adopted by a white mother. People keep their distance when someone different comes to town. They're wary and uncomfortable.
And it makes me sad. "A person's a person, no matter how small," says Dr. Seuss, probably one of the wisest men of my childhood. Of course "small" is interchangeable with any number of words, including "color" or "race" or "religion" or "wealth." In society's eyes, I'm lucky that I was born into a Caucasian, middle-class family. And to me, that's all it is, is luck. I'm no better or worse than anyone else. But despite my efforts to look past race, I'm not always successful. Like Ned, there are certain stereotypes that are so ingrained in me, I don't even realize they exist until something brings it up, and I'm forced to confront that little bit of ugliness in me. To bring up another of America's wisest men, Stephen Colbert frequently claims he can't see race. "They're all just people."
If only that was possible for all of us.
07 August 2010
Why I'm Not Ready for Marriage
This post is inspired by the five or six friends of mine who have gotten hitched this summer. I'm very happy for all of them, however it has made me acutely aware of how much the thought of marriage at this point in my life is completely alien and disconcerting.
Reason 1: I don't have a man.
Duh. I suppose if I was desperately in love with someone, and they completed me and made me whole and I couldn't imagine life without them things would be different. As it is, this is not the case. In fact, that whole concept strikes me as odd, because I feel quite whole as I am, thank you very much. Even if I did have a man, though, I would not necessarily be ready for marriage. It's probably best that I'm not committed to anyone at the moment. It takes away any pressure that might possibly be there from the guy himself, parents, grandparents, etc. (Not that I think my family would pressure me, just the assumption that this might be THE ONE would be enough to make me reconsider doing things that I might otherwise just go ahead with.)
Reason 2: I may just jet off to England someday soon.
Especially if Sarah Palin even comes close to inhabiting the White House again. But seriously, I want the ability travel and do whatever I want right now. I've been dealing with a traveler's bug like no other the last few weeks, probably exacerbated by living in middle-of-nowhere-PA for so long. Don't get me wrong, I love this place in its own way, but I'm not ready to settle down here for the long haul. I want to get out and explore a bit. (Mom - Don't worry, I'll at least wait until Michael comes home. :p)
Reason 3: I am only mildly domestic.
I told my mom today that she and Dad have probably spoiled my expectations for marriage. I come from a home in which men can and like to cook. My dad is a great cook, as are both of my brothers. It only struck me a couple weeks ago that not all homes are like this. Now, I don't consider myself overly feministic, but I also don't plan to revert to the 40s and 50s either. A man can and should help out around the house. Gender roles be damned. I don't buy into the idea that God created woman to serve man. Sorry, but no. Ours will be an equal-opportunity household. I.e. the Mr. will have plenty of opportunities to change diapers and wash dishes. Especially if I'm working outside the home as well, which seems to be more and more the norm these days.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cook and have no problem doing that. I even like to clean (in intense and random bursts of what I call binge-cleaning). Living with male roommates for a year taught me that I have a latent clean freak hidden in me somewhere.
Reason 4: I want kids in my life, just not my own.
Someday I definitely want children. No question about it. I can already feel the biological clock beginning to whir and stir. BUT right now I'm content to hold them, play with them, then give them back after a couple hours. Children are fascinating and adorable and wonderful...and exhausting. I guess getting married doesn't necessarily mean the babies start coming immediately, but that's the next step; one I'm nowhere near ready to take.
Reason 5: I have a lot of ME to discover still.
This is probably the biggest factor in my marital immaturity. I have a lot to discover and find out about myself still. Lots of questions to ask, opinions to form, beliefs to iron out. College turned over a whole new leaf for me, and I'm still trying to figure out where exactly that's leading me. It seems rather risky to commit my life to someone, when I'm not even sure where I'm headed or how I'm going to go about getting there.
Alright, I think five reasons are enough for now. Besides, I keep getting distracted by a beautiful yellow butterfly flitting about under the clear blue sky of a summer afternoon. See I do love this place...sometimes.
 |
| He's actually kind of creepy... |
Duh. I suppose if I was desperately in love with someone, and they completed me and made me whole and I couldn't imagine life without them things would be different. As it is, this is not the case. In fact, that whole concept strikes me as odd, because I feel quite whole as I am, thank you very much. Even if I did have a man, though, I would not necessarily be ready for marriage. It's probably best that I'm not committed to anyone at the moment. It takes away any pressure that might possibly be there from the guy himself, parents, grandparents, etc. (Not that I think my family would pressure me, just the assumption that this might be THE ONE would be enough to make me reconsider doing things that I might otherwise just go ahead with.)
Especially if Sarah Palin even comes close to inhabiting the White House again. But seriously, I want the ability travel and do whatever I want right now. I've been dealing with a traveler's bug like no other the last few weeks, probably exacerbated by living in middle-of-nowhere-PA for so long. Don't get me wrong, I love this place in its own way, but I'm not ready to settle down here for the long haul. I want to get out and explore a bit. (Mom - Don't worry, I'll at least wait until Michael comes home. :p)
 |
| Um, no. |
I told my mom today that she and Dad have probably spoiled my expectations for marriage. I come from a home in which men can and like to cook. My dad is a great cook, as are both of my brothers. It only struck me a couple weeks ago that not all homes are like this. Now, I don't consider myself overly feministic, but I also don't plan to revert to the 40s and 50s either. A man can and should help out around the house. Gender roles be damned. I don't buy into the idea that God created woman to serve man. Sorry, but no. Ours will be an equal-opportunity household. I.e. the Mr. will have plenty of opportunities to change diapers and wash dishes. Especially if I'm working outside the home as well, which seems to be more and more the norm these days.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cook and have no problem doing that. I even like to clean (in intense and random bursts of what I call binge-cleaning). Living with male roommates for a year taught me that I have a latent clean freak hidden in me somewhere.
 |
| And what if it turned out to be evil?? |
Someday I definitely want children. No question about it. I can already feel the biological clock beginning to whir and stir. BUT right now I'm content to hold them, play with them, then give them back after a couple hours. Children are fascinating and adorable and wonderful...and exhausting. I guess getting married doesn't necessarily mean the babies start coming immediately, but that's the next step; one I'm nowhere near ready to take.
This is probably the biggest factor in my marital immaturity. I have a lot to discover and find out about myself still. Lots of questions to ask, opinions to form, beliefs to iron out. College turned over a whole new leaf for me, and I'm still trying to figure out where exactly that's leading me. It seems rather risky to commit my life to someone, when I'm not even sure where I'm headed or how I'm going to go about getting there.
Alright, I think five reasons are enough for now. Besides, I keep getting distracted by a beautiful yellow butterfly flitting about under the clear blue sky of a summer afternoon. See I do love this place...sometimes.
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